i had a realization last night. i have friends who are still in school, or just out of school, and they have a strange level of energy that i seem to have misplaced. i was like them once: while in school (and i include high school in this statement) i would go to school all day, then work for a few hours at school in the scenery shop, performing various kinds of manual labor, then i would travel to either work or a rehearsal, where i would stay for a good portion of the night, then go home to do some homework, watch a little TV, and go to bed. i continued this process for about seven years. seven years of constantly moving from one place to the next, putting in between 55 and 65 hours every week, my only rest being the one summer break where i didn’t take summer school, when i only had one job. seven years of not having a break. my friends are doing this now. my friends are going to class, having mid-terms, and working night jobs. then they’re coming home, hanging out with their friends, getting drunk, and rolling out of bed hung over to do it again the next day.

my friends tell me these things, and i think to myself, “jesus, that sounds exhausting.” what the hell happened to me? when did i become old? when i moved to new york, i had a moment where i said to myself, “this is the first time in my adult life where i have had only one job. i work my 40 or 50 hours, and then i go home. what the hell am i going to do with all that spare time?” apparently, i should have been looking for a better job, because i became so broke that i eventually got a second job. then, for a brief period, i was actually working about 75 hours a week, plus commute time. but instead of feeling invigorated or empowered by my escape from my lazy ways, i almost died. so at the first possible opportunity, i quit my second job (which was actually my first, but almost paid less than welfare) and camped myself out in a nice, cozy, 9-5 office job. i arrive in the morning, i leave in the afternoon, and for the first time in my adult life, i spend more time away from work than i do at work.

and what do i do with all this glorious free time? I FUCKING WATCH TV!!!!! Goddamnit!!! i can’t believe how much of a lazy sack of shit i am. my friends are out 15 hours of the day, then they come home, do homework and party. meanwhile, i’m out for nine, then come home and watch The Nine. why am i not writing? why am i not designing something, or building something? why am i not out exercising? i’m a fucking bum, that’s why! i mean come on, it’s bad enough that i sit in front of a computer all day and don’t write anything, but then i come home, log into aim, log in the myspace, and sit on the couch five feet away from the computer, watching TV and hoping that someone will chat me or leave me a comment. my friends are at work, getting ready to come home and cram for midterms, and i’m on the couch watching 3 hours of TV i’ve already seen because i’m not tired enough to go to sleep (i’ll write a blog some other day about how the movie exhibition industry has permanently ruined my sleep patterns).

sigh… you know what’s the really sad part about all this? instead of actually doing something about this, i’m blogging about it. yeah, a lot of good that’s gonna to do.